The Johnnys, and Their Methods

The following has been compiled from a series of interviews with "enforcers" for a sub-branch of the New York City Mafia.

Subject A, age 42: My gimmick, f'r instance, is fireworks. Y'know, like, puttin' guys' eyes out with sparklers, taping cherry bombs inside their mouths--let me tell you, word got around pretty quick that nobody had better fuck with Johnny Fireworks.

Why fireworks? Hey, yo, a guy’s gotta have a gimmick, am I right? Unless you’re like Johnny No-Gimmick over here. Yo, that guy’s the craziest one of all, ‘cause there ain’t no predictin’ what he’ll do. He never does the same thing twice. That’s his gimmick.

I mean, just the other day, I had t’ listen to complaints from Johnny Chainsaw and Johnny Nunchucks and Irish Johnny Chainsaw about how Johnny No-Gimmick was rippin’ off their gimmicks. And I had t’ tell them, ‘Look, this is just how he operates. But he’ll only do it once. By next week, he’ll be on to some other gimmick, and then I’ll probably have to be hearin’ this same thing from Johnny Deadly Nightshade.’ And then there’s Johnny Peanut Allergy: every week, when we get a new contract to kill some squealer, we’re at the weekly status meeting, looking over the guy’s medical records, like always, and Johnny Peanut Allergy’s like, ‘Yo, does dis guy got a peanut allergy?’ ‘No, Johnny Peanut Allergy, sorry.’ And then the next week, we got another target: ‘What about dis guy? Does dis guy got a peanut allergy?’ ‘No, Johnny Peanut Allergy, just penicillin and strawberries.’ ‘You’d tell me if any of dese guys had peanut allergies, right?’ ‘Yes, Johnny Peanut Allergy, I promise! You don’t even have to be here all the time—we’ll call you!’ (sighs) But he don’t listen.

Subject B, age 25: D’you know dat one out of every two hundred and fifty Americans has a severe peanut allergy? And dat number is growing every day. So statistically, one o’ dese guys is eventually gonna take money from da wrong people, or see somethin’ he shouldn’t have, and when dat day comes, I’m gonna be like, (taps chest proudly) ‘Yo. I got dis.’

Subject A: An’ t’ tell you the truth, even dealin’ wit’ these mooks is better than talkin’ to Johnny Radon Exposure. That guy…

Subject C, age 76: Look, I don’t wanna say nothin’ bad about this generation, but…people these days ain’t got no patience. It seems like, when they put out a hit on a guy, nobody’s willing to wait thirty-five years for him to develop lung cancer from radon exposure anymore. I mean, every week somebody’s asking me about some contract of mine or another: ‘Is he dead yet? Is he dead yet?’ (frustrated) No! All right, no! Not yet! But do you have any idea of the damage that’s being done to his mitochondrial DNA? You can’t put a price tag on that! (shakes head sadly) I tell you, this business just hasn’t been the same since Johnny Gunshot showed up.