LET'S KILL ALL THE BELGIANS: A Child's Guide to Genocide

Pg. 1: This is a Belgian. He would like to eat your brain.

(A fanged, clawed, vampiric creature in a beret glowers at the reader.)

Pg. 2: Belgians come from Belgium, a land of pure evil, like that place in “Lord of the Rings.” It smells like pee.

(A map of Europe. Friendly countries like the Netherlands or Germany are marked with smiley faces. Belgium is colored blood-red and is dotted with skull-and-crossbones emblems. The label “PEE SMELL” is scrawled next to the map, with an arrow pointing at Belgium.)

Pg. 3: If Belgians had the chance, they would take over America and kill your mommy and daddy. They would make you learn Belgian in school and eat waffles three meals a day. You probably think that sounds good, but, trust me, you would get sick of it real quick.

(The Belgian jabs a pointed stick at our protagonist, an eight-year-old boy named Billy. Billy, wearing a dunce cap, has a textbook labeled “BELGIAN” in one hand and a fork in the other, as he pokes at a huge stack of waffles. Behind him, Billy’s parents are being burned at the stake under a burning American flag.)

Pg. 4: If the Belgians came over to America, they would eat your puppy. If you don’t have a puppy, they would buy you one and then eat it. That’s how the Belgians roll.

(The Belgian drools over a plate carrying a puppy with X’s for eyes and its tongue hanging out.)

Pg. 5: Belgians are also responsible for Brussels sprouts. You hate Brussels sprouts, don’t you? Of course you do.

(Billy stares forlornly at an enormous pile of Brussels sprouts.)

Pg. 6: If you ever see a Belgian, you should run away and alert the nearest police officer or Dutchman.

(Billy flees in terror from the Belgian chasing him.)

But you probably won’t be able to find anyone, so you will have to kill him yourself.

Pg. 7: There are many ways to kill a Belgian. You can decapitate them.

(Billy severs the Belgian’s head with a battleaxe.)

Pg. 8: You can set them on fire.

(Billy lights the Belgian aflame with a flamethrower.)

Pg. 9: You can stab them in the heart with a crucifix.

(Billy plunges a sharpened crucifix into the Belgian’s chest. Blood sprays everywhere.)

Pg. 10: But I know what you’re thinking: “I’m just a little kid. And there are more than ten million Belgians. I can’t possibly kill them all myself.” And you’re right.

(Billy faces the reader, palms turned outward. He’s surrounded by question marks.)

Pg. 11: If America’s political leaders had any stones at all, they would kill every single Belgian by dropping nuclear bombs on them.

(Nuclear missiles rain onto a Belgian cityscape, with a flaming Belgian flag in the foreground.)

Pg. 12: But they won’t do it, because they are all pussies.

(On the floor of Congress, a group of cats in pinstriped suits groom themselves and play with balls of yarn.)

Pg. 13: But you can change their minds. Write a letter to your Congressman, and ask him not to let Belgians eat your puppy.

(An over-the-shoulder shot of Billy writing a letter, that consists only of two words: “NUKE BELGIUM”.)

Pg. 14: And take all the money you can find in Mommy and Daddy’s wallets and send it with the letter.

(Billy stuffs a wad of bills into an envelope labeled “WHITE HOUSE.")

Politicians like money.

Pg. 15: Explain to your classmates about the Belgian threat, and tell them to do the same thing you did.

(Billy talks to a group of other kids on the playground. Two word balloons sprout from his mouth: one containing the Belgian flag with an “X” through it, the other containing the image of the rain of nukes. The other kids look concerned.)

Pg. 16: The politicans will find your arguments so persuasive that they will be convinced to do what must be done about Belgium.

(A politician opens an envelope to find a stack of bills, and his eyes turn to dollar signs. In the background, other politicians react the same way.)

Pg. 17: Belgium will be wiped from the face of the Earth.

(A group of smoldering skeletons in berets lie strewn about a post-apocalyptic hellscape.)

Remember: we can fight the Belgians over there, or we can fight them over here.

Pg. 18: Once we’ve killed all the Belgians, you can eat all the ice cream you want, and it will be Christmas every day. Except on your birthday, when it will be Double Christmas. That’s right, Double Christmas.

(Billy, wearing a party hat, eats bowl after bowl of ice cream. Behind him are three Christmas trees, with dozens of presents under each.)

Pg. 19: After all the Belgians are dead, then we can get to work on killing all the Swedes.

(The same picture of the nukes raining down on the city as before, but with a burning Swedish flag instead of the Belgian one.)

Don’t even get me started on the Swedes.

THE END