La Calle del Sésamo

On Mexican "Sesame Street," Oscar the Grouch is known as El Garbáge, "the discarded one."


Children are careful never to refer to him by name.


(Two Mexican children are drawing in chalk on the sidewalk of Sesame Street when they notice that Oscar is nearby. Everyone speaks in Spanish with English subtitles. Oscar sounds like Javier Bardem.)


Oscar: Good afternoon, children.


Children: Run! It is He Whose Melancholy Is As Black As His Brows!

(The children drop their chalk and run away.)

Oscar: Yes, children, you may run from El Garbáge. But what you cannot run from is your coming entry into the world of adult responsibility. And as the carefree innocence of youth fades, the Worm of Despair shall burrow its way into your souls.

(Oscar turns and looks directly into the camera, grinning with sadistic glee, and we FREEZE-FRAME. Bright colors explode around him as his theme song plays--a horn-heavy mariachi number, with the singer howling with passionate Latin hatred:)

¡El Garbáge!
¡El Garbáge!
Te maldigo [I curse you]
¡El Garbáge!

BRUCE + CLARK = BROS 4 LIFE

Gotham City. Night. A group of crooks are attempting to break into a warehouse when Batman interrupts them.


Crook #1: Oh shit it’s Batman


Crook #2: I ain’t scared of him
Crook #2: Just some freak in a costume


The crook fires at Batman, but the bullets just bounce off his chest. Batman squeezes the barrel of the gun shut with his bare hands, then tosses the crook thousands of feet in the air, but flies up and catches him before he falls.


Batman: ARE YOU GOING TO BEHAVE


Crook #2: y—yes


Cut to: Batman landing in the alley behind the building, where he meets…BRUCE WAYNE. Batman takes off his mask to reveal: CLARK KENT. The two high-five and share a laugh.

*****

Green Lantern, his hair somewhat darker than normal, is doing battle with some criminals. One of them approaches him, carrying a strange yellow machine.


Crook: Green Lantern! I’ve heard your power ring has no effect on anything colored yellow! So prepare to be destroyed…by my YELLOW DEATH RAY!


Green Lantern: No that’s crap
Green Lantern: What kind of lame ass hero could lose to a primary color


Green Lantern crushes the machine.


Green Lantern: In fact I don’t even need this stupid ring


He takes off his ring and bounces it off the crook’s forehead.


Crook: Ow!


Green Lantern flies away, carrying the crooks off to jail.


Back at Justice League Headquarters, Hal Jordan sits with his feet up drinking hot cocoa and reading Reader’s Digest. Batman and Superman pass by, smirking. Superman is holding a green domino mask behind his back.


Superman: *snicker* Hey, Hal *snicker*


Batman: *snicker* Yeah, hey *snicker*


Hal: (confused) Um…hi guys…

*****

Clark Kent, wearing Wonder Woman’s bustier and star-spangled panties, is beating up some crooks. Bruce Wayne watches with amusement.


Clark: Ooh, look at me, I’m Wonder Woman…I’m soooo sexy
Clark: My boobs are a victory for feminism


The real Wonder Woman suddenly arrives on the scene.


Wonder Woman: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS


Bruce: RUN


Bruce and Clark bolt from the scene, laughing hysterically.

*****

A meeting of criminals is interrupted by “Green Arrow,” carrying a quiver of arrows.

Crook #1: Whoa it’s GREEN ARROW


Crook #2: Is he still a thing


Green Arrow: I spend all day grooming my beard


Crook #1: Aren’t you supposed to have a bow or something


Green Arrow: Don’t need it


Green Arrow pulls an arrow from his quiver and throws it so hard it goes all the way through the crook’s shoulder.


Crook #1: Not cool man

*****

A woman leans out of the third-story window of her house, which is consumed in flames.


Woman: HELP
Woman: SOMEBODY


The “Flash” sprints into her front yard.


Flash: Is this a problem being fast would solve


Woman: Um
Woman: Not really


Flash: Oh
Flash: You should probably call somebody else then
Flash: maybe Superman
Flash: I hear he is good at stuff like this

*****

A giddy Batman holds up Aquaman’s costume for Superman, but Superman waves him off.


Superman: No
Superman: Too easy

*****

Batman sits on a couch at Justice League Headquarters, reading Maxim. Wonder Woman approaches him.


Wonder Woman: Don’t you have anything better to do than egg on that jackass?
Wonder Woman: Like solving crimes for instance


Batman: (not looking up) I have solved all the crimes
Batman: I am the world’s greatest detective


Wonder Woman: You couldn’t have solved ALL of—


Batman: All the crimes
Batman: Most of them were the Joker

*****

Superman arrives at the prison cell of a bald inmate.


Superman: What up Lex


Luthor: SUPERMAN!
Luthor: Why have you come here? Just to taunt me?


Superman: Yup
Superman: This place sucks
Superman: YOU suck


Luthor: They are getting rid of Taco Tuesdays
Luthor: Budget cuts