The Prophecy

(A portal suddenly opens above a field, rending the night sky. A massive, hideous DEMON steps through it.)

Demon: Yes, mortals, the prophecy has been fulfilled at last: the Beast of Zhar’zug’klll has come, to conquer your pitiful dimension. Let all humanity tremble before my might!

(The demon looks out over the field. The only people in evidence are two guys, ANDREW and KYLE, looking up at him. Kyle slurps from a Big Gulp cup.)

Kyle: Hey.

Demon: But...where is everybody? Where are my hordes of crimson-robed followers with the ten thousand infant sacrifices, ready to anoint my hooves with innocent blood and swear their undying fealty? Where is the Great Ziggurat of Skulls? Why have the preparations for my arrival not been made?

Andrew: Yeah, we don’t know anything about that.

Kyle: We were just walking back from the 7-11 when we saw those freaky lights in the sky, and decided to walk over and check it out.

Demon: Didn’t anyone listen to the prophecy?

Andrew: Uh...what prophecy was that, again?

Demon: Several of your Earth decades ago, I constructed avatars out of flesh and dispatched them to this dimension to spread my message. They were to be scribes—balladeers—their song instructing humanity in the steps necessary to ensure my reign and usher in the End of Days. The prophecy that foretold my arrival was known as “Mr. Jones,” by Counting Crows.

Andrew: Um...”Mr. Jones”? Are you...really?

Demon: So you ARE familiar with the prophecy?

Andrew: Well, like, I know the song, but...

Demon: I mean, if you know it, it should be pretty obvious. I don’t know why there’s not more people here—

Andrew: Are there, like, specific lyrics you can maybe point to as being about the Apocalypse? Because, I gotta say, I’m not really seeing it.

Demon: Well, it’s, you know, it’s the whole thing. It’s kind of a metaphor... Did—did nobody really pick up on this?

Kyle: No...no, I don’t think so.

Andrew: It did hit number one for a week or two, so it was a pretty big hit, if that makes you feel any better.

Kyle: And I think the lead singer was married to Kate Hudson for a few years, so he did okay for himself.

Demon: Kate—what?

Andrew: (to Kyle) No, that was the guy from the Black Crowes.

Kyle: Really? Are you sure?

Andrew: Pretty sure, yeah.

Kyle: I don’t even think I know the Black Crowes. Did they do that “one more night in Hollywood” song?

Andrew: No, dipshit, that was still Counting Crows. (to the demon) Hey, Mr. Demon, dude—was “Long December” ALSO an apocalyptic portent? Just curious.

Demon: I—I’m not familiar with that one—

Andrew: But—didn’t you just say that you created them to be your mouthpieces in this dimension?

Demon: Well, yes, but, I didn’t—after “Mr. Jones,” I didn’t really direct their careers. I guess they must have gone on to do their own thing afterwards—

Andrew: So, if they didn’t consult you on their other songs, isn’t it possible that they changed the lyrics to “Mr. Jones” without letting you know and got rid of the whole prophecy metaphor?

Demon: Well, yeah, I guess it’s POSSIBLE—

Kyle: So you never even listened to it?

Demon: No, it’s—it’s really hard to monitor events trans-dimensionally—it’s kind of why I created human avatars in the first place—

Kyle: Well, here, let me pull it up for you, maybe we can figure out what happened. (Kyle takes his smartphone out of his pocket.) Just let me open up my Pandora app... (Kyle taps a few buttons and music starts streaming from the phone.)

Demon: This—this doesn’t sound at all like what I wrote...

Kyle: Well, no, this is “Hanginaround.” But if we listen long enough, “Mr. Jones” should pop up eventually. ...Probably.

(The three listen to the music for several more minutes.)

Demon: Is—is there any way to speed this up at all...?

Andrew: (to Kyle) Dude, just download it for him.

Kyle: I’m not gonna spend 99 cents on that. You know how much I’ve been spending on gas this month, with driving to Laurie’s and back. I can’t be throwing a buck away on just anything.

Andrew: You don’t have to spend anything. I’ve got a couple of free sites I use—

Kyle: Yeah, I’m not gonna do that. It’s taking money out of the artists’ pockets.

Andrew: You heard what he said! They’re demonic avatars! The whole band! You don’t owe them anything!

Kyle: Look, I—I just wouldn’t feel right about it, okay? (to the demon) Hey, Mr. Demon, sir, could you give me 99 cents so I can download this?

Demon: Excuse me?

Kyle: Well, we ARE doing this as a favor to you—it only seems fair that you should pay for it.

Demon: I...I don’t have any money.

Andrew: No money? How do you expect to conquer this whole dimension with no money?

Kyle: Yeah, you really should have thought this through better.

Demon: I DID think it through! If people had just listened to the prophecy—

Andrew: Look, maybe it would be best if you just came back later.

Demon: But—the portal to this dimension only opens once every ten thousand years—

Andrew: Well, maybe that would be for the best. Give you some time to get all the kinks worked out, and you can come back with a better plan next time.

Demon: I...I guess so...

(The demon steps back through the portal. As it closes around him, he suddenly looks back at the humans.)

Demon: WAIT! I REMEMBER NOW! IT WASN’T COUNTING CROWS AT ALL! IT WAS THE WALLFL--

(The portal seals shut. The two guys stare at the spot where it had been for a moment, then turn and begin walking away.)

Kyle: So you’re sure it was the guy from the Black Crowes, huh?

Andrew: Yeah. But I think the Counting Crows guy dated Christina Applegate and some other chicks.

Kyle: THAT’S right. I knew it was something like that.